Juice abuse
Have you ever tried pineapple-orange-banana juice? It’s delicious. It’s the best juice in the world. Or rather, it WAS the best juice in the world. It seems the bright minds at Dole have decided that it needed a “great NEW taste” as was boldly proclaimed on the newly re-designed carton.
As I drank the first sip of this re-designed juice, my taste buds recoiled in horror. It’s gone from delicious to undrinkable. My face crinkled in disgust, I imagined the following scene in the bowels of Dole’s corporate offices:
“Johnson, we need to increase profits to an even more obscene level this year.”
“Yes sir. I’ve got an idea. We get our pineapples dirt cheap, right? This IS Dole after all. My desk is made of pineapples. We write on pineapple papaer. The problem is that dang pineapple-orange-banana juice that Smithers came up with. We have to buy all those oranges from Tropicana. It’s cutting into our margins. Let’s put more pineapple and less orange in the juice. We’ll make more money on each carton.”
“Excellent, Johnson! It does say PINEAPPLE-orange-banana juice but I barely taste the pineapple part.”
Arrgh. Why did you do that!? New flash for the pineapple crazed folks at Dole. Pineapple juice is analagous to salt. A little bit makes things taste better. Too much, and it becomes unpalatable. Maybe you folks should rename your juice “orange-banana-pineapple juice” so that more orange juice drinking people will check it out. Maybe people stay away from it because they think it’s going to taste mostly like pineapple juice.
Did you ever think of THAT, Johnson!?
October 26th, 2005 at 12:20 pm
i hate any kind of fruit in any context other than the fruit alone by itself. The idea of fruit salad or any kind of fruit juice where it is combined with multiple fruits disgusts me. I don’t like fruit touching! When I tell this to people they tell me I am insane. it is perhaps an indication of my insanity that I am quite sure that I am sane and they are crazy for thinking otherwise.
Don’t even get me started on the word berry. Grossest word in the english language!
October 26th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
Actually the word ‘juice’ is kind of creepier, don’t you think? Juice.
Say it: Juice.
How about ‘juices’? Taste the juices.
October 26th, 2005 at 4:46 pm
Yeah, that Johnson guy. I’m gonna kick his ass.
October 26th, 2005 at 7:23 pm
Natasha, I think your mom made you eat a spoiled batch of fruit salad when you were a kid. And now you are permanently traumatized.
Let the fruits touch! Wonderful things happen when the fruits touch. Just as long as there isn’t too much pineapple in there.