the bathroom bonus
Since toilet talk seems to be the only thing that inspires commentary, I am going to reveal my concept for the “bathroom bonus” in a desperate attempt to see new comments in my blog.
When I worked downtown, I realized my co-workers were taking way more bathroom breaks than I was. I thought it was a bit unfair that, because of my superior bowels, I was getting paid the same amount desipite the obvious fact I was getting more work done during the day. This lead me to dream up the idea of the bathroom bonus.
I foresee a future where employees across corporate America will have some kind of bathroom access card. When you use the card to enter the bathroom, you’re “clocked in”. When you leave the bathroom, you’re clocked out. At the end of the year, the computer will add up your bathroom hours and if you’re under a certain amount of hours for the year, you get a bathroom bonus. The fewer the hours, the bigger the bonus.
Infrequent pee-ers unite!
May 1st, 2005 at 10:35 pm
Yeah. I’m with you on that. Either you have to go, or you don’t. I don’t understand the people that spend 30 minutes on the toilet. That means they should have gone 30 minutes later, when they were really ready to do their business. Slackers, I’m tellin’ ya…
May 4th, 2005 at 8:15 am
Hold on a sec, here, Eli.
It seems to me that frequent pissers are not the problem. It seems like you’re really talking about the folks who take up part-time residence on the workplace white porcelain throne.
Not being one of those persons (either at work or home), I cannot imagine the possible rewards to such a practice. However, these people create a significant disincentive for others to partake of the same pleasure because they cause the workplace W.C. to become saturated with nauseating fumes. I, for one, can never escape from the office bathroom fast enough for precisely this reason.
I would like to propose a much more offensive office problem: the people who take their personal water bottles to work and then SLATHER the nozzle of the water dispenser with their spittle. Diiiiisgusting, man.
May 9th, 2005 at 2:39 pm
Not only I am possibly the most regular person on the planet (10am every day), but I also used to bring in the sports page and read as well! Only the increasing germaphobia that seems to come with age has put the latter habit to rest. Not to be too egotistical, but I feel some responsibility for Eli’s most recent rant.
As far as wasting time/lost productivity for us more digestively-evolved gentiles, it seems that my regularity has served as a muse to those less fortunate than I to spend hours writing poetry (specifically limericks) in praise of my gifts. Why mock my effective intestines when you can celebrate the beautiful prose that it spawned?