beware the kind old lady
There’s a force to be feared roaming the streets near me.
Oh kind elderly woman, what harm could you be?
With a sweet gentle smile and grandmotherly looks,
you’ll imagine the goods a grandmother cooks.
But soon you’ll feel pain from deep in your head —
TRAPPED by lips going flippity flap instead!
Such was my fate one warm sunny day.
In her sundress and hat, I was drawn her way.
I realized, too late, the mistake I had made.
This was all an elaborate trap she had laid.
She opened her mouth and words flowed without end,
in a rambling conversation I could not comprehend.
She had no intention of letting me get away.
I dozed off standing up and began to sway.
I look pleadingly around for a helping hand.
But I was alone, this was my last stand.
Somehow, some way, I managed to flee.
I think the old lady was done with me.
Now I tread on tippy toes with a suspicious eye,
lest this talkative grandma again I should spy.
Oh look, someone’s caught in her verbal embrace.
As they assess the situation, fear spreads through their face.
Beware faithful reader, lest my fate befall you
This story I’m telling is 100% true.
May 19th, 2005 at 9:44 am
Welcome to my personal hell. My neighborhood in general has a range of people of all ages, from young families just getting started to middle-aged people enjoying their retirement.
However, my street and particularly the houses directly around me are the boneyard of the area. Although there is a sprite young couple in their 70’s next door, the rest of the surrounding houses are generally widows in their 90’s. I constantly have to hide for fear of getting sucked in. It’s sad because they are lonely, but they can really be hard to escape from once they get going.
May 19th, 2005 at 9:19 pm
Hey, it’s gotta be better than when you were working in the cubicle next to Bea.
May 24th, 2005 at 1:11 pm
Dude. You guys are so mean. You’ve just jinxed yourselves. Now you’re going to rot in an old persons’ home and die of loneliness!!
May 24th, 2005 at 5:01 pm
I’m losing my hair and my nose is huge. I’m already jinxed.
May 25th, 2005 at 5:00 pm
Doesn’t my living among these old people count as a jinx? (now I’m for sure jinxed!)
June 1st, 2005 at 3:32 am
Old people are cool! I used to be afraid of them. Run from them like they had a disease. But as I approach middle-agedom, I have come to appreciate their strange, and often interesting ways. When I lived in W. Hollywood, I was a regular garage sale organizer: I had a garage sale several times a month. Old people used to come around regularly, buying any non-woring appliance I could provide, bargaining me down from one dollar to fifty cents, and taking time to shoot the shit. You gotta appreciate their energy. One old man in particular enjoyed hanging around for quite some time, singing us songs and showing us his tap dance routines. You would never get this kind of strange attention from a young guy, without fear of him popping a boner if you give him a hug.
So, I say, do not fear the old! Appreciate them, listen to them, and remember that we are not so far off from their stations in life…
June 1st, 2005 at 6:01 am
Angie is always hanging around old people, too. Who knew there were all these hot chicks hanging out with old people. I need to hurry up and get old!
June 1st, 2005 at 5:14 pm
I think I rode a bus with that woman. Eli, that was VERY fun to read!! It drained the creativity right out of me so all I can say is, nice job.